Posts tagged pregnancy

If your friends don’t have children, you’re pretty much fucking dead to them. If they do have kids, then chances are you already stopped dragging their kept asses around the second they became fathers.

The best thing to do, is when one of you gets a lady friend pregnant, become a band of brothers and decide to go forth into fatherhood together. Kind of like The Deer Hunter. The difference is, one ends up with you all sitting round a table putting loaded revolvers in your mouths, and the other is The Deer Hunter. BOOM.

Also, pro tip; If you do all decide to get a woman pregnant at the same time, try to pick different women, not the same one. That’s just bukkake.

This half assed clown knows what I’m talking about. All covered in Bro-gurt. 

Alternatively, if you are the first to have kids, you can always wait for your BFF’s to catch up. Then you get to be that smug douche that tells everyone how hard it’s going to be. When your friends say “I know”. You can then give them the ultra-dickish ‘do you really?’ smile. 

Putin is a fucking black-belt at this. 

If your anything like us at FAQdaddy, it’s hard to go an hour without releasing the building pressure in your man sacks. However, when your pregnant or recently pregnant lady friend is ‘closed for business’ it can sometimes be hard (ahem) to find another deposit for your ‘babysauce.’

Before you run off to the nearest ATM and make a booking at the local cathouse, remember that coming home smelling of cheap hooker is a sure fire trigger to set off one of oh pregnant ones mood swings. Not only that, but passing venereal disease to your pregnant lady friend (or a ‘Sub-Saharan baby shower’ as it is sometimes called) is just not diddly-doo.

Tempting, but no…

Before you spit your pipe to the floor at the outrage of months, possibly over a year of penile dryness (oh yeah, it can go on for that long…) let me tell you about masturbation. All the kids are doing it! 

It basically involves self stimulation while looking at pictures that excite you.

Oh fuck yeah…. c’mon!

But where’s the romance? The companionship? The love?

Let me introduce you to Catheline.

Ok, so she’s French and she smokes, but she is filthy in the sack. She’ll take one in the front and the back, if you know what I mean.

Speaking of backs…

…nobody likes a hairy one you dirty slut.

Part 2 coming soon!

So this is a pretty well known book. And it is very  informative. Short of eating Bill Cosby’s brain and trying to absorb ‘fatherlyness’ through some sort of morbid osmosis,  this is a pretty good start to becoming somewhat less of a fuckdunce in the eyes of oh pregnant one.

One problem though. The rhetoric. Dad’s pregnant too? When your significant other has been up all night dry heaving the taco bell you stupidly bought to sustain her, it’s probably best not to burst into the bathroom with a shit eating grin saying “It’s ok sweetness. I’m pregnant too!”

This is a sure fire way to have her fist a honey dew melon up your urethra while screaming “Yes, you are!“ 

Read the book. But don’t repeat all of the well meaning sound bites if you value the   elasticity of your pee hole.

There is a lot of baby advice out there. A little of it (maybe about 1%) directed at the father. Most of this is either;

A: Condescending (“Don’t hollow out your newborn and use her as a bong”) or

B: ‘put-offingly new agey’ (“How to vulcan mind-meld with your fetus”)

At FAQdaddy, we aim to provide a little wisdom and experience to newcomers, who want a little fatherly advice on things they maybe don’t want to ask their father about. Oh, and for once, you’ll hopefully actually enjoy reading it too.

So ask us anything!

Note: Actually, don’t ask us medical stuff… We have only one doctor here and his PhD is in Mixology.

Welcome to ‘FAQdaddy’.

The shit that new and impending fathers really want to know about. Have a question about fatherhood, your newly pregnant wife or the wrinkly chicken nugget that will emerge from her in a few months time? Go ahead and ask!