Posts tagged LOL

It’s perfectly natural to be scared of the dark. It is an evolutionary instinct. We at FAQdaddy tell our children that there is nothing to be afraid of, and that they should just think of the darkness as ‘being hugged by Mr. Shadow.’

Like this guy.

If that doesn’t quell his quivers, then you could always pay someone trustworthy looking to watch over him as he sleeps to give that extra sense of security.

Like this guy.

Failing that, I suggest you buy a night light with a dimmer. Dim it slightly every few days till he gets ‘weaned off’ the light.

Also you could play hide and seek when it gets a little dark. Have mummy or a sibling hide while you and he look for her together. It’ll show him that the only thing hiding in the darkness under the bed is occasionally his mother or sister.

As long as she doesn’t look like this…

If your friends don’t have children, you’re pretty much fucking dead to them. If they do have kids, then chances are you already stopped dragging their kept asses around the second they became fathers.

The best thing to do, is when one of you gets a lady friend pregnant, become a band of brothers and decide to go forth into fatherhood together. Kind of like The Deer Hunter. The difference is, one ends up with you all sitting round a table putting loaded revolvers in your mouths, and the other is The Deer Hunter. BOOM.

Also, pro tip; If you do all decide to get a woman pregnant at the same time, try to pick different women, not the same one. That’s just bukkake.

This half assed clown knows what I’m talking about. All covered in Bro-gurt. 

Alternatively, if you are the first to have kids, you can always wait for your BFF’s to catch up. Then you get to be that smug douche that tells everyone how hard it’s going to be. When your friends say “I know”. You can then give them the ultra-dickish ‘do you really?’ smile. 

Putin is a fucking black-belt at this. 

If your anything like us at FAQdaddy, it’s hard to go an hour without releasing the building pressure in your man sacks. However, when your pregnant or recently pregnant lady friend is ‘closed for business’ it can sometimes be hard (ahem) to find another deposit for your ‘babysauce.’

Before you run off to the nearest ATM and make a booking at the local cathouse, remember that coming home smelling of cheap hooker is a sure fire trigger to set off one of oh pregnant ones mood swings. Not only that, but passing venereal disease to your pregnant lady friend (or a ‘Sub-Saharan baby shower’ as it is sometimes called) is just not diddly-doo.

Tempting, but no…

Before you spit your pipe to the floor at the outrage of months, possibly over a year of penile dryness (oh yeah, it can go on for that long…) let me tell you about masturbation. All the kids are doing it! 

It basically involves self stimulation while looking at pictures that excite you.

Oh fuck yeah…. c’mon!

But where’s the romance? The companionship? The love?

Let me introduce you to Catheline.

Ok, so she’s French and she smokes, but she is filthy in the sack. She’ll take one in the front and the back, if you know what I mean.

Speaking of backs…

…nobody likes a hairy one you dirty slut.

Part 2 coming soon!