It’s perfectly natural to be scared of the dark. It is an evolutionary instinct. We at FAQdaddy tell our children that there is nothing to be afraid of, and that they should just think of the darkness as ‘being hugged by Mr. Shadow.’

Like this guy.

If that doesn’t quell his quivers, then you could always pay someone trustworthy looking to watch over him as he sleeps to give that extra sense of security.

Like this guy.

Failing that, I suggest you buy a night light with a dimmer. Dim it slightly every few days till he gets ‘weaned off’ the light.

Also you could play hide and seek when it gets a little dark. Have mummy or a sibling hide while you and he look for her together. It’ll show him that the only thing hiding in the darkness under the bed is occasionally his mother or sister.

As long as she doesn’t look like this…

If your friends don’t have children, you’re pretty much fucking dead to them. If they do have kids, then chances are you already stopped dragging their kept asses around the second they became fathers.

The best thing to do, is when one of you gets a lady friend pregnant, become a band of brothers and decide to go forth into fatherhood together. Kind of like The Deer Hunter. The difference is, one ends up with you all sitting round a table putting loaded revolvers in your mouths, and the other is The Deer Hunter. BOOM.

Also, pro tip; If you do all decide to get a woman pregnant at the same time, try to pick different women, not the same one. That’s just bukkake.

This half assed clown knows what I’m talking about. All covered in Bro-gurt. 

Alternatively, if you are the first to have kids, you can always wait for your BFF’s to catch up. Then you get to be that smug douche that tells everyone how hard it’s going to be. When your friends say “I know”. You can then give them the ultra-dickish ‘do you really?’ smile. 

Putin is a fucking black-belt at this. 

At FAQdaddy, we have people of all faiths and creeds. We’ve found that children with  parents of varying religions can’t go wrong joining The Church of the Latter Day Killer Whales.